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13 April 2008 @ 01:16 am
fic: The Great Bikini Incident (The Key to Time Remix) [Buffy/Doctor Who; Dawn, Nine, Jack, Rose; G]  
Title: The Great Bikini Incident (The Key to Time Remix)
Author: doyle_sb4
Summary: Dawn’s suspicious of the three electricity inspectors outside her sister’s Rome apartment.
Fandom: Buffy/Doctor Who
Characters: Dawn, Nine, Rose, Jack
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Property of Mutant Enemy and the BBC
Original story: The Great Bikini Incident by booster17

Dawn looked closely at the ID, and then at the grinning man holding it. It said ‘Italian Authority For Electricity and Gas’, in Italian and English; the picture had to be the same guy, because she couldn’t believe two people could have those ears. But something was weird, and Dawn had graduated the Sunnydale Advanced Degree in Weirdology; class 101, if something feels oogly, it probably is.

“Uh,” she said, “I’m not totally sure - it’s my sister’s apartment - but I don’t think we have gas.”

“Bet you’ve got electricity, though.”

“But you said there was a leak?”

He didn’t hesitate for more than maybe half a second; Dawn was impressed. “Very dangerous, electricity leaks. Won’t take half a mo to sort it out. Got two top-level electricity engineers with me and everything.”

The two top-level electricity engineers were behind him. The blonde girl looked embarrassed. The Tom-Cruise-alike – ooh, Dawn thought – just leaned against the opposite wall and grinned.

British Ears Guy said, “Your sister’s flat, did you say? Well, can we speak to her, then?”

“She’s not here...” Dammit. “I mean, she’s not right here. But she’s in the apartment. She’s in the bathtub.”

“Give her a shout. We’ll wait.”

Dawn could feel her face flame. “Oh, Buffy could be in the tub for hours, so you should call back later, bye!” And she slammed the door closed before they could stop her.

For a few seconds Dawn just stood there, thinking that she was going to feel really dumb if they came back later and there was really such a thing as an electricity leak. Then, with long practise of being a nosy kid sister, she put her ear to the door and listened to the conversation going on outside.

“She did say ‘Buffy’, didn’t she? I’m not hearing things in my old age? I mean, I know you lot are all for giving your kids strange names...”

“Says someone whose first name’s ‘The’.”

Electricity leaks? Seriously?”

“Oh, and I heard you two chipping in with brilliant explanations!” The elevator dinged. “Right, then. Now we...”

She strained to hear more, but the elevator doors had closed. Now we... what? Now we report back to our demon lords and get them to come sacrifice the girl themselves? On the pro side to that plan, it was a great excuse for not starting work on her term paper.

Buffy’s cell went to the answerphone – so, her super-important Slayer stuff was code for a lunch date with the Immortal, Dawn thought, rolling her eyes and hunting through her school notes for Giles’ number in England.

“Hi Giles...”

“Hello again!”

Dawn sat down hard on the couch. “Electricity guy?” she squeaked.

He snorted a laugh. “My friends usually just call me the Doctor. You looking for Rupert? He stepped out for a minute.”

She fought to keep her voice steady. “What is that, like, demon speak for ‘we threw him out a tenth floor window’? Because if you’ve hurt Giles my sister’s gonna... I’m gonna...”

“Dawn? What on earth’s the matter?”

“Giles!” Dawn gripped the phone hard, the initial flood of relief lessened by the thought that some demons could imitate voices. “If you’re really Giles, tell me something only he would know.”

“When you were eleven and Buffy first brought you to the library you put chocolate fingerprints all over a three-hundred-year-old, one-of-a-kind translation of the Librus Maleficus.”

Dawn sagged with relief. “Sorry. Again.”

“Oh, I’ve forgotten about it long ago,” he said unconvincingly. “Dawn, I’m glad you rang. An old friend of mine - the Doctor - wants to speak to you. He says it’s quite urgent.”

“Okay,” she said. “I guess if you know him and he’s not a demon or anything...”

“No, he isn’t a demon, though I can’t speak for the ‘or anything’. He’s changed his face again, which is rather disconcerting...”

“Hold on a second.” Someone was knocking on the apartment door, not too loudly but over and over, like they could keep it up all day. “Okay, I’m coming!” Dawn yelled. “Jeez, did you forget your key ag...”

Blonde Girl had changed her t-shirt and the really hot one was in a different jacket. The other one – the Doctor – had the same coat, same grin, same everything. He nodded at the phone. Dawn looked down at it in a daze.

“That Rupert on the phone? We’ve probably just left there. Mind if we come in? I’m the Doctor – no, already said that, haven’t I? This is Rose and Jack, you can figure out for yourself which is which.”

“Giles,” she said into the phone, “I’ll call you later.”

“Sorry for Jack, by the way,” the Doctor said. “Just in advance. We haven’t had a spare minute to get the ‘sorry about him’ t-shirts made up yet.”

“Hey,” Jack protested, but he said it with a smile and Dawn’s insides went to a melty place.

“Sorry about this,” the girl said, following the two men into the apartment. “It is important, honestly. There’s this... thing, and these people are looking for it. Well, when I say people...” She looked to her two friends for help, but the Doctor was frowning over a thin, silver flashlight and Jack was doing something with the black band around his wrist.

“So you guys are witches?” From the shocked way Rose looked at her, then the Doctor, she guessed not. “Just, with the getting from England to Italy in thirty seconds...”

“Witches? Actual witches? With broomsticks and things?”

“You were trying to think how to explain aliens to her a minute ago. More things on heaven and Earth, Rose. Especially Earth.”

Dawn could feel herself getting more secure by the second. Aliens were okay. Aliens were just demons from space, right?

The Doctor shook the flashlight and the strap around Jack’s wrist bleeped. “Almost ready. It was you mentioning your sister,” he told Dawn. “There’s a group of aliens – the Vaoform Perfidia, they’re called – and they’ve been tracking you, and we’ve been tracking them. Led us straight to your door. Then you said your sister had some funny name and I thought ‘hang on, where have I heard that before? And when it clicked we went to see Giles, and he told us...” He lifted his head and looked straight at Dawn, and she got that feeling that she’d sometimes gotten with Spike or Angel; you look human, you look like me but you’re not. “This Key they’re looking for. That’d be you, wouldn’t it?”

Slowly, she nodded. It’ll never go away, she thought. It’s been years and Glory and the Knights are dead and it still hasn’t gone away.

“Should’ve thought of that first,” the Doctor said. “It’s been done before; last one I met was about your age, too. Making a Key into a person, that’s clever, that is. Makes other people want to take care of it. Her, I should say.”

“Which we will,” Rose said. “We won’t let anybody hurt you, I promise.”

Jack made a tch noise. “Come on, it’s the Vaoform Perfidia!”

Dawn was relieved that Rose looked as confused as she felt.

“The most pacifist race in the galaxy? So non-confrontational their planet was surveyed seventeen times before anyone realised it was inhabited?”

“Yeah, that’s them,” the Doctor confirmed. “They don’t actually mean you any harm – I doubt any of them’ll even get up the nerve to speak to you, let alone whisk you back to the homeworld – but they can’t stick around here worshipping you. The rate they breed at, this planet’ll be up to its neck in Perfidia inside six months.”

“So you guys can... deKeyify me?” she asked, and was surprised that she felt a little relieved when the Doctor shook his head.

“That’s just you, sorry. All we can do is hide you better. Which we can do in about five seconds, if you’ll hold still for us. Rose, move out of the way. Jack – go.”

Dawn automatically closed her eyes as Jack brought up his arm, but the non-deKeyifying didn’t hurt. It just felt like a light breeze sweeping over her skin, tickling and leaving her cool where it passed -

She opened her eyes. And shrieked.

“Huh,” Jack said, tapping his wrist strap with his fingers. “I knew there was a defabricator on here somewhere. Never knew it had a bikini setting.”

“I’m supposed to be wearing less than this?” she snapped, and ducked behind Rose. “My sister’s gonna kill you. Those were her Italian originals.”

“All right, never mind the fancy DNA stuff.” The Doctor dug in his pocket and reached out to Dawn. He had a handful of rings; ones with a single jewel and ones with twenty, and plain wedding bands, and the tacky skulls Spike had liked. “Pick a biodamper. Any you like. You’ll have to keep it on forever, mind. Think of it like one of those medical alert bracelets, only it’s so people don’t know about your... condition.”

Her only condition right now was one of extreme embarrassment. She grabbed one of the rings as fast as she could and hid behind Rose again.

“I said sorry for him already, didn’t I?” the Doctor said. “We do need those t-shirts.”


“Sorry my cellphone was off. Slayer stuff.”

“No big,” Dawn said, absently turning her new ring with her thumb.

“Started your paper?”

“Yep.” She’d opened the books. That counted.

“Oh, hey – you guys haven’t met, right? This is the Immortal. This is my kid sister Dawn.”

“Not a kid, thanks,” she said, and looked up at her sister’s new boyfriend. “Uh,” she said.

“Hey, Dawn,” said Jack. “Good to see you.” And he winked.
Sentimental yet sardonic: DW Eureka Ninth Docbooster17 on April 19th, 2008 09:10 pm (UTC)
Love it, love it, love it. That last bit made me giggle and snort at the same time. Lovely expansion of a throw-away drabble of mine, and featuring some of my all-time favourite characters - thank you very much, oh (currently) anon remixer!

Nice touch with the Key to Time reference, and enjoyed your characterisation of all - especially Giles. *grin*
Doyle: jossverse - dawndoyle_sb4 on April 26th, 2008 04:56 pm (UTC)
Yay! I'm really pleased you liked it - I was spoiled for choice for fics of yours I knew I'd have fun remixing (I didn't want to feedback for fear of giving myself away, but I was absolutely delighted to realise you'd written Rose/Jake/Mickey - they're my OT3 and there's hardly any fic for them). I adore Dawn, so I jumped at the chance to have her meet Nine and co.
Sentimental yet sardonic: Bwah-ha-ha-ha!booster17 on April 26th, 2008 08:23 pm (UTC)
Bwah-ha-ha-ha! I thought it was you!!

Admittedly, I had a slight advantage in guessing it was you, as I was your remixer, and had an equally fun time going through your fics as well. Hee!
Doyle: companion - Rose (skyward)doyle_sb4 on April 26th, 2008 08:27 pm (UTC)
Hee! Ah, that explains why I couldn't guess who'd done mine out of the people who I knew had written Who, I never considered I was in a direct swap...! Thanks very much for mine, Rose and Romana are great.
Sentimental yet sardonic: Dawn - split screenbooster17 on April 26th, 2008 08:39 pm (UTC)
I had one of those horrible moments a day or two ago when I realised that if you were my remixer, there was a good chance you'd figured out it was me, based on my forgetting to remove my house style template from the fic (always use ~ + ~ as a scene breaker, end with ~Fin~, and use a hr-tag to separate the header from the fic).

Off to friend you, if you don't mind - don't want to miss any more fic!
Doyledoyle_sb4 on April 26th, 2008 08:41 pm (UTC)
You give me far too much credit for being observant *g* Thank you, will friend back!
Marcus L. Rowlandffutures on April 20th, 2008 12:01 am (UTC)
Here via Booster - incidentally, the link to the original story doesn't seem to be working - loved the remix anyway.
Brendan: Doctor Who - Not an EMHbrendanm720 on April 20th, 2008 03:34 am (UTC)
You know...

That last bit makes the fic that much more awesome.

And I rather like the thought of Jack Harkness being the immortal. It fits into show canon so well. [snerk]
draconindraconin on April 20th, 2008 04:08 am (UTC)
Very impressive. So much to grow out of a drabble! That last bit had me grinning.b
PS. The link to the original is broken.
beatrice_otter: Tardisbeatrice_otter on April 20th, 2008 04:46 am (UTC)
Oh, wow. That's great, so much fun and all so in character and Jack as The Immortal.
alle, alle auch sind frei: Dr. Who//Mickey!thedaytheystop on April 20th, 2008 10:04 am (UTC)
Jack as the Immortal! Yes!!!

This was wonderful, perfect tone and in-character and funny and great! :)
lalaithlockhartlalaithlockhart on April 20th, 2008 10:56 am (UTC)
Oh my!
Taraelementalv on April 20th, 2008 02:29 pm (UTC)
This was excellent! I love the expansion of the original drabble, and I love that you have all the voices pitch-perfect. Well done!
eve11: dw_loleve11 on April 20th, 2008 03:13 pm (UTC)
ah ha ha ha! This was hilarious. Love the last little scene too. Fantastic! :)
bewizeficwize on April 20th, 2008 09:45 pm (UTC)
LOL! Jack, the Immortal. *dies of laughter*

Great job! Very funny ending!
liz_marcsliz_marcs on April 21st, 2008 01:21 am (UTC)

Fantastic and clever.
cupidsbowcupidsbow on April 21st, 2008 05:14 pm (UTC)
Very enjoyable. That Jack. What a terror. :)
Christina K  (jackelope hunter!): Amused & Bemusedbutterflykiki on April 21st, 2008 08:45 pm (UTC)
*cracks up completely at Jack* *hiccup*

Ahem. I really really like that. Fluffy, but oh-so-fun. Great Dawn voice. Brava!
secret welfare poetsecondsilk on April 22nd, 2008 01:48 am (UTC)
Fic: The Great Bikini Incident (The Key to Time Remix)
Jack as the Immortal is a great thing.

The Doctor was absolutely brilliant. I love the idea of the t-shirts. And Dawn trusting her oogly-sense is good. And Giles knowing the Doctor.
Elizabeth Culmer, only a *little* bit crazy...edenfalling on April 22nd, 2008 02:01 am (UTC)
This is the kind of story you read all the way through grinning like a loon, because it's Just That Fun. Thank you so much for writing it!
resolute on April 22nd, 2008 12:23 pm (UTC)
Oh, lovely!! Lovely and funny and great! I love the dialog, especially.
Boyd: HEE!pinglederry on April 24th, 2008 12:17 am (UTC)
Don't know much Buffy, but cracked up laughing at “Sorry for Jack, by the way,” the Doctor said. “Just in advance. We haven’t had a spare minute to get the ‘sorry about him’ t-shirts made up yet.” Brilliant. :)
Nicparanoidangel42 on April 24th, 2008 08:24 pm (UTC)
This is great. It makes total sense that Giles and the Doctor know each other. I do love the Doctor constantly apologising for Jack.
soundingsea: dw - tardis - snowsoundingsea on April 26th, 2008 04:07 am (UTC)
Hah! Hilarious and downright clever.
Mrs Darcyelisi on April 26th, 2008 04:13 pm (UTC)
Brilliant! Love the bio-dampener! :)

(As it happens I am myself writing Jack-is-The-Immortal fic! *g*)
do you want orcs? because this is how you get orcs: TW: famous blue raincoatkita0610 on April 26th, 2008 05:42 pm (UTC)

This is- with the- and the-


I bow to your brilliance.
Doyle: companion - Jack (captain)doyle_sb4 on April 26th, 2008 06:11 pm (UTC)
Hee, thank you!
AstroGirl: Nekkid Jack!astrogirl2 on May 3rd, 2008 06:33 am (UTC)
This made me LOL quite literally. :)
Nora Charlesnora_charles on June 7th, 2009 07:48 am (UTC)
This is a great fic, very funny and in character. I love how you've made the different mythologies and atmospheres fit together seamlessly.